Monday, January 01, 2007

Resolution

January 1st 2007. New Year’s Day. Last night a party at Bruce and Lynne’s that was by all accounts a good party. Tori certainly had a great time, dancing and laughing amid consumption of drinks and spliffs. Jaz and Finn went in waves. They both seemed spent by around 11pm so I went and lay down with them trying to coax them off to sleep. Strange beds and too much going on for that to happen. Ella came in to join the attempted sleepers around that time too. The first thing we knew of the New Year was the rousing chorus of Auld Lang Syne coming from outside the window. We had a group hug on the bed and then went out into the party to wish everyone a Happy New Year. A number of people left shortly after midnight, the formality of the event over and time to go home to bed. I made the mistake of being on the end of two spliffs too many and watched my mood, cognitive thought and physical being spiral downwards. Perhaps on the back of several hearty days at the Boxing Day test, consuming litres of beer, I just hit the wall. Always disappointing to be at a good party and not feel fully into the party spirit. But there seems for me to be something about New Year’s Eve that makes this all the more possible. When I look back at most New Year’s festivities that I’ve been too, I’ve always felt a tinge of melancholy and often disappointment with the night. Expectations not met perhaps. Reflection on the passing of another year and the various changes and sadnesses that have occurred. Or just getting too out of it perhaps. When I think of all of the great times I’ve had at parties over the years, not one of them has been on New Year’s. They are all memorable in their own right, but they seem to always come with baggage. Too much reflection rather than just enjoying the moment for what it is. I watched other people moving around the party. Tori, Lynne, Bruce all definitely in the moment of the party, not hindered at all by reflection or melancholy. I would like to have been there with them. Jock’s brother Andy seemed in good form also, constantly punctuating conversations with his laughter. Especially given that he is in Melbourne to give Jock support while he goes though chemo. More fucking cancer. That doesn’t help my mood. But there is more to it than that. Lynne told me that I looked like I was worrying. I had been looking after Jaz and Finn and was concerned for their night and how long they could go without sleep. Around 2:30am when I glanced through the window from the back to check on Finn, he was up and raging out big time on the dance floor. So was Jaz. And Tori. I was the only one not up to it. Somehow not able to let go of something that was keeping me back. It seems to have crept into my life over the last few years. I’m not sure that I was ever truly a free spirit, but now I’m not even really sure what it is that I like to do. Work has been so crazy for the last three years that I’ve had a bit of my being swallowed up. Now that I’ve taken Ik on, time should be more available to me. This was the purpose of his employment. To allow me to recover my life. I don’t even know anymore “what’s my thing”. My resolution for 2007 is to try and rediscover some things that I enjoy doing, and commit time and mental space to pursue them. To not allow everything to become a chore, even things that should be fun for me. To try and overcome the hardest thing, as Woody Allen puts it; turning up – physically, mentally and emotionally.